Vynical

So... I just want to give a little update on what’s been going on recently

I've been bombarded with work and I’ve been stressing out over school and uni and stuff

but my main thing was I just messed up, I unintentionally hurt the people closest to me, like, really badly

It’s gotten to the point where they don’t even want to talk to me, nor want anything to do with me

but I can’t blame them because of how I acted, and just how I am

the way I acted was unforgivable, and I know won’t be forgiven, I lost almost everyone who was closest to me and that I cared about, even if I didn’t show it, and I have no one to blame but myself and I’ll never forgive myself for it

honestly, I just miss them

but there’s nothing I can do to fix it, I went to far and destroyed everything I spent so long trying to preserve, and I forced everything and everyone that had any chance of helping me to leave me

I wanted to be right so badly about how I say I am, and now I am

if I’m able to get people like them, people who said they would never leave or forget me, if I can get people like them to hate me to the point of removing me from every aspect of their life and never wanting anything to do with me again, then the only thing I get out of it really is the knowledge that I’m right about myself

but still, it’s my biggest regret now, I’d do anything to reverse what I did, to somehow fix it, to bring back the moments and the people that made me happier then I ever have been

but... I know I can’t... I know what I did and I know I ruined our relationship to the point of decimation... I know nothing I can do will change their minds about me... I just need to move on... but I know I won’t be able to, not for a long time if ever,,

that was the reason why I deactivated and disappeared,, I just was too emotionally destroyed, I still am, I’ve just went back to suppressing my emotions, doing anything I can to distract myself from them, I haven’t really slept much because of it, every night I’ve been getting more morbid and disturbing nightmares that keep constantly emotionally traumatizing me

im scared to be alone with myself now, I’ve just been working and working on anything I can to occupy my time which I guess could come to use

I don’t really want to go into much more detail, this is all my personal problem that can’t even be helped, I just wanted to tell everyone what’s been going on, if there is anyone left who still cares about me that is

also, because my time here on DA has been so closely tied with those the people who now want me out of their life, I decided that it’s best to just restart and move accounts, my account has hardly been active anyway, most of my watchers are dead tbh

If you follow me because of the person I am or my personality, them I’d suggest not following me, I’ve already proven to everyone that I have a toxic personality that has gotten to the point where I can’t even tell who I am, and if I get even remotely close to anyone then it will most definitely end horribly

If you want to follow me for my characters or art for whatever reason then you can, I’m not stoping that, and I’m keeping all my characters and everything don’t worry, I’m just moving so my personal life mistakes don’t mess with my art stuff since my art is kinda all I have left now

Hopefully I’ll post more frequently, I’ve been working on animation a lot more now and I have the skeletal structure and script for my comic series done, hopefully I’ll start completing the comic soon, it’ll be staring all my characters of mine and finally start developing the stories I’ve been hinting at (doubt anyone cares about them but fuc it idec anymore tbh)

My new account is here if you wish to continue following me lucyddreamerz.deviantart.com (yeah same icon I know)

I don’t expect anyone to comment on this journal, it was just an update and account moving announcement tbh, I just felt some of this had to be stated to inform everyone why I disappeared for a while
Sorry if this seems half done or something I don’t really know how to explain how I’m feeling tbh but just yeah follow me on my new account if you want

Redoing this bc my art updated a lot and also changing a lot of stuff even tho no one would buy my art anyway even if it free xD

Wont Do!
-NSFW (little bit of blood or very light gore is fine but nothing excessive or disgusting)
-MLP OR ANIMALS (only acceptable if it human enough like ears or tails and some fur but have to be human form)
-COMPLEX THINGS (like something that has way too much detail or parts)

stole this a week or two ago from a bab and totally forgot to post it aha,,,
here it is now kinda late and just to pass the time tbh 0':
//sorry for lack of art I'm out of ideas rn

[X] You have an OC that resembles yourself (most of them but the two Vs mainly 0
[X] One of your OC's has your name (yes but only bc I can't think of another name and it annoys me aaghhhh,,)
[X] You have OC's that are siblings (some of them yes)
[/] You are constantly drawing your OC's (I draw fanart and frens characters just as much tbh so ehh)
[/] You constantly receive positive feedback about one or more of your OC's (maaaayyybe idk)
|total: 4

[X] You have more than five OC's (yep aaaagh)
[X] Your OC's are varied (honestly it's like a mix and match circus so yeah I think so)
[] You have a main OC whom you love the most out of all your OC's (I WILL NOT CHOOSE BETWEEN MY CHILDREN)
[/] Your OC's are mostly mythical (ehehhe some-ish idk)
[] A lot of your OC's were adoptables (like one and I need to draw him more tbh)
|total: 2.5

[X] You have a 'bad boy' or 'bad girl' OC (some are kinda, most of dorks wanting to be edgy tho tbh xD)
[] You have a girly OC 
[] You have a 'cool' or 'sly' OC (I don't think so?)
[] You have a sporty OC
[X] You have a fun OC (ye some of them)
|total: 2

[] You have a lot of 'perfect' OC's (I literally can only give them imperfections tbh xD)
[X] You have a lot of 'imperfect' OC's (they get it from me xD)
[] Most of your OC's are part of a fandom (nOP ALL MINE)
[X] Most of your OC's are non-fandom
[] You have an OC that isn't straight (many of them yes tho I also suck at shipping so no one can even tell xD)
|total:2

[] You have gotten a polished toy, framed art, ect. made of your OC (P L E A S E)
[/] You are constantly talking about your OC's to friends (I don't like being a bother or seeming selfish so not unless someone brings them up usually)
[X] The first thing you did on dA was make an OC (they were already made beforehand but yeah I guess 0'
[/] Your OC participates in a role play (I don't get to that much bc I suck and have bad timing but I would like to c'
[] You have made your OC in a game (actually no but I kinda want to
|total: 2

|| totals added: 

Now add all your totals together. 
Then multiply them by 4.
Then title your journal as "I'm __% addicted to my OC's"

so instead of doing goretober or inktober or whatever the fuctober, I decided to do a bit of my own convoluted version :'T
I basically just jumbled a bunch different lists from various people and picked the ones I like or know I am able to do (so excessive and complex stuff or stuff I may cringe or puke at I didn't put in I guess)
so here is a list, and just comment the number of whatever one you want me to do and I may do it or maybe not idk I'm never committed but ehh I'm giving this a shot
also I'm only gonna do sketches or this stuff and post it one my second account (which can be found on my main page somewhere, beware there are a fuc ton of vents most of which I disable the comments on, but I don't disable on any normal ones, just annoying and repetitive vents c': )
I'm gonna suck at this terribly because I already suck at drawing and now this is kinda unfamiliar territory aaaaaaaa-

list of different spooky stuff I may draw if it is picked eh idk what to call it just pick what you want or pick nothing idk or care I'm tired and rambling again,,
1. mummy
2. bruises
3. scars
4. stabbed
5. undead
6. crying
7. bandages
8. skeleton
9. amputation
10. arrows
11. knives
12. vampire
13. torture
14. dimemberment
15. bleeding
16. clown
17. impaled
18. masks
19. drowning
20. decapitated
21. fire
21. falling apart
22. possession
23. chopped up
24. devil
25. angel
26. blood bath
27. clawed
28. pumpkin
29. claustrophobia
30. animal
31. ghost
32. octagon get it because oct-ober ahahahahahahhahahakillmedontpickthisoneaaaaaaaaaaaaa


a lot of these are not even scary or gorey at all but it's spook bc spook is spook no matter the spook plus I just put what I first found with little thought except for my ability and stuff-
this is probably not gonna work tbh x'DD

discord.gg/XZb4ev
if anyone want's to join then do it I guess I don't care It's just a little something
maybe my friends can make new friends with other friends (if anyone still even considers me a friend after the crap I've been doing)
it expires in a day but i can resend it if anyone needs it 0: